Switcheroo
by Iori Branford
Summary: Chapter 2 is here, and frankly I don't think it's my best effort, so it's designated Rough Draft. You have been warned
1. Default Chapter

Castle Alexandria was busy as ever that morning

NOTE: If you encounter a link, do not click without holding Shift.

In the basement of Castle Alexandria, Dr. Tot is busily putting the finishing touches on the machine he's been toying with since the previous night. A gargantuan pile of used coffee filters in the corner offer silent testimony to how long and hard he has worked.

**Dr. Tot**: Almost done, almost done, kiyaahaahaa!!! In just a few moments, my all-new Transmogrifier shall become a reality!!! Dumm dee duh dah doo doo…if only those noisy kids don't barge in and totally trash it…

---

It is a nice quiet morning in Castle Alexandria's dining hall, where sits a single fist-sized muffin in the center of the table. But it is not to last.

**Entire Cast**: THE LAST MUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!

All dive for it and smack into each other, sending it 50 feet in the air. Freya, being the highest jumper, grabs it in mid-air.

**Freya**: No problem. One more notch on the—huh?!

She lands gracefully on her feet staring incredulously at her empty hands. Her head swivels over to Zidan who is dashing away with muffin in arms, like the grubby little thief he is.

**Zidan**: NYAHAHAHA! It's mine! It's mi—AAARRRRRGHH!

He is still running, but now it's because his tail is on fire. Vivi turns his outstretched hand palm-up and beckons, and the precious pastry flies over to him.

**Vivi**: A-and now, watch as I "disappear" this muffin! ARGH!

It is "Tin Can" Steiner, not Vivi, who catches it. Vivi is now a pancake under Steiner's great bulk.

**Steiner**: In battle, there is no greater deed than assisting an ally, but when it comes to the last muffin, ALL BETS ARE OFF! GAAHAAHAAHAAHAA—WHOAAAAAAAA!

Suddenly he is rolling like a boulder down the corridor with Vivi pasted to him like a sticker, courtesy of Amarant's foot. The muffin is sent flying into the air once more, this time toward Amarant, who holds out his goatee for the muffin to impale itself on. 

**Amarant**: I am WAY too cool to let you pantywaists have it. OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!

Instead, it is Amarant's tushie that is impaled on Eiko's horn. Mog, being the devoted pet he is, catches the muffin and hands it to her Mistress.

**Amarant**: (head stuck in the ceiling) …Man, I hate kids.

**Eiko**: Tee hee! Ladies first, don't you know! 

Sh-lurp.

**Eiko**: HEY!

She indignantly stares after Quina's retracting 100-foot tongue.

**Quina**: Gourmand always get first dibs! You know or not? UWAAAAAAH! _Boing! Boing! Boing!_

When no basketball is available, a Qu will do just nicely, as Bahamut discovers for the first time. As for the muffin, he catches it in his great jaws and flings it over to his Mistress.

**Garnet**: Be gone, peasants! The Queen of Alexandria is about to break fast. YELP!

She releases the muffin, sending it flying yet again. Zidan once again grabs for it, not caring whether he uses the hand that pinched Garnet's arse.

And so it goes…

---

Meanwhile, down in the basement, Dr. Tot isn't sure whether to scream his larynx dry at the racket above, or kick his not-yet-finished machine in frustration.

**Dr. Tot**: (:-8) MUST they do that THIS MAY TIMES A WEEK????????? 

He gulps another mouthful of coffee and tries to turns his attention back to his work, not noticing that the clamor just grew louder.

**Dr. Tot**: LAST time they broke my Chupon Inhaler Mark I over the last BURMECIAN CREAM-FILLED DONUT! v_ó SOMEONE'S gonna get STRANGLED if it happens again today!

The noise grows still louder. He takes yet another gulp.

**Dr. Tot**: Someone REALLY ought to give some thought to RESTOCKING that accursed larder before those kids start to get HOMICIDAL…

One more increase in volume suffices to turn his head. But now it is too late – a gargantuan dust cloud making fighting noises is drifting dangerously close.

**Everyone in the cloud**: OW! STOP THAT! LEGGO, YOU MENACE! AH! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE! EEK! YOU ________ PERVERT! HAAA! THAT TICKLES!

Before the poor Doc can do anything, a stray fist knocks over his coffee pot, spilling the precious brown fluid all over the control panel.

A flash of electricity, followed by a blinding explosion.

---

Eiko is the first to awaken. She opens her eyes but sees nothing.

**Eiko**: {Why is it so dark in here?}

Then she realizes her hair is covering her eyes. As she pushes it apart, she notes it doesn't quite feel the same. For one thing, it's tied up into thick dreadlocks, not the simple downward cascade she's used to combing it into. For another, she can't seem to feel her horn.

**Eiko**: ?!?!?! 

Her hand hits something hanging from her chin. It is a four-inch goatee.

_Amarant's_ four-inch goatee.

**Eiko**: **_OH, MY GAWDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

Amazingly (considering the ridiculously high pitch of her voice), her scream wakes up nobody but Garnet. In the dim basement light, Eiko can barely make her out.

**Eiko**: Hey, you okay?

She runs over to her former love rival, who for the most part appears normal.

**Garnet**: [blink] [blink] (lets her eyes adjust to the near darkness) EIKO?!? WHAT HAPPENED???? YOU LOOK JUST LIKE AMARANT!!!!?!!!

**Eiko**: Yeah yeah, I see you haven't changed, rub it in will ya.

But wait – what's that wriggling thing Garnet's sitting next to? Eiko rubs her eyes, looks again, and FREAKS…

**Eiko**: Hey!!??! 

**Garnet**: What????

**Eiko**: THE BIGGEST, HAIRIEST CATERPILLAR I'VE EVER SEEN LOOKS LIKE IT WANTS TO BITE YOUR BUTT!

**Garnet**: °o° Are you SERIOUS? KILL IT! KILL IT!

So Eiko HEAVES herself into the air and comes down hard on the thing. 

It sends a huge jolt of pain up Garnet's spinal cord.

**Garnet**: SHRIEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Eiko**: Wha!??? He bit you?

**Garnet**: Well, no, that didn't feel like a bite so much as……!!

Inside Garnet's head, a 500-megawatt light bulb switches on.

Inside the basement, a 60-watt light bulb _also_ switches on.

Garnet looks down at the furry thing. She can move it as if it's part of her. And it is.

**Garnet**: I, I've got Zidan's tail!

**Eiko**: You what? Oh. Sorry about that. [pout] Be glad YOU at least look cute.

Garnet looks down and wags her tail for a moment.

**Garnet**: [blush] You…think? [end blush] Agh, who cares about that now! We've got to find the others!

**Steiner**: [walks in] Princess, are you in here?

From his forehead protrudes Eiko's missing horn. And while there are certainly a number of people out there much wider than Steiner, in his current state he could be mistaken for a really, really long pencil.

**Eiko**: Whoa! Hell has frozen over and the Dork Knight has finally lost some weight! [ROOBL, Runs Out Of Breath Laughing, then goes red with anger] BUT HE'S GOT MY HORN!!!!

**Steiner**: [reaches up and touches it] By Helm, you're right! And Eiko, your head has turned into a mop!

**Eiko**: sob…

**Garnet**: Where's Zidan and the rest?

**Zidan**: [walks over dejectedly, rubbing his butt where his tail once was] Man, how'm I gon' 'xplain this to th' babes?

**Garnet**: :-( What was that, Zidan? I didn't quite catch that.

**Zidan**: [sees Garnet] WOO-AH, SHAKE IT BABY!

**Eiko**: .\ _ /. mumble mumble [sees Zidan] EEK! Zidan, your face is all mutated!

He prods at his face for a bit. It feels less ape-like and more lizard-like.

**Zidan**: What in the HELL??? I've turned into FREYA!

**Vivi**: [off-screen] C…can somebody g-give me a hand? I c-can't seem to get up.

**Steiner**: Master Vivi? Where are you?

He, Garnet, Zidan, and Eiko follow Vivi's voice. They find him lying belly-up on what appears to be Amarant. Speaking of bellies, Vivi's traditional black mage outfit now looks much smaller on him…

**Eiko**: Tee-hee-hee! He's got Steiner's _bell-eh!_

**Steiner**: .\ _ /. That will do, Eiko!

With much difficulty, they help Vivi to his feet, revealing a very bald and shaven Amarant. His tongue has grown a couple feet.

**Amarant**: Mam, hoh dof Qina _talh_ wih thih ih heh mouh?

**Zidan**: Huh?…………….M'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**Eiko**: [also LHAO] IF YOUR HAIR WASN'T ON ME RIGHT NOW YOU'D LOOK LIKE, LIKE, LIKE……THAT GUY IN KISS, YOU KNOW…

**Garnet**: [isn't laughing] Gene Simmons?

**Eiko**: YEAH! HAHAHAHAHA—

WHANG.

**Amarant**: [politely extricates his fist from Eiko's face] I ah WAH too coo to leh tha woh flide!

**Freya**: [walks in] You know, we _could_ stop sniggering at each other's deformities and—

**Everyone else**: HEY!!

**Freya**: -find out how to reverse them. Sorry, but abnormalities are abnormali—

**Everyone else**: No, not that! Your face!

**Freya**: [exasperated] Yes, yes I know! I traded faces with Zidan, is that right?

**Zidan**: Not exactly.

**Vivi**: Actually, Zidan did get your face, but um, you kinda got mine.

Sure enough, his hat now sits atop his headless shoulders.

The Dragon Knight pulls out her tiny mirror and looks. Instead of the reptilian face she is so used to seeing, she sees a black orb with two yellow pinpoints of light on it.

**Freya**: [astounded] Well…this is…odd.

**Steiner**: So we're all present and accounted for…except for Quina. Where's s/he?

**Quina**: I am here.

The now tongue-less gourmand waddles over. Unlike the others, she hasn't traded her defining feature for anything,--

**Zidan**: Lucky bum.

--as she soon notices.

**Quina**: IN GO-HAN'S NAME! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU ALL?

**Zidan**: WHAT?! S/he and Dagger are the only ones who get an improvement?!?

**Quina**: Well, my tongue impeded my speech until Amarant ate it. You still want the rest of that, Amarant?

**Amarant**: I'h noh eadinh ih! We ftuhbled ihto Dohta Toh's mathinh ah weh aw mutateh!

**Eiko**: Speaking of Dr. Tot, where did he go?

Moments later, insane screaming and furious pounding can be heard from the other end of the basement. The gang runs over to take a look.

**Dr. Tot**: [bludgeoning his broken Transmogrifier and everything else around it with a sledgehammer] HFBVKSJGCHDHD! GXHGVWXGC HDBVDYVCHSTGFUA SGCHDTSH ZSUDGSDGSY _DJBKJS DJJ49JN49 NG89MNKFK KU489!!!!!!!!!_

**Zidan**: [starts towards him] Hey, Doc, we kinda need some help—

Garnet holds him back by the arm.

**Zidan**: What? 

Her tail pulls a chalkboard over, and she dons a mortarboard and draws a [diagram][1].

**Garnet**: Rule of Living With Dr. Tot #1: If the device he is working on is destroyed by any outside force, any stationary object within 50 yards of him is 100% guaranteed to dissociate into tiny fragments within 30 seconds after the incident. This phenomenon continues for a randomly determined period of time or until a sedative is applied.

**Zidan**: Ooooooooooooo—kay then. Since there is _no _way I'm going out in this condition, we'll just let him steam.

The party decides to evacuate the basement until conditions improve; i.e. Dr. Tot Gets a Grip. Well, let's hope he does.

TO BE CONTINUED

   [1]: http://scorpius.spaceports.com/~lkkev/diag.jpg



	2. Mission Briefing (working title; emphasi...

{Castle Alexandria, 4:11 PM}

{Castle Alexandria, 4:11 PM}

Zidan and company are camped out at the top of the basement stairs like patients in the hospital waiting room, not-so-gently serenaded by the sound of machinery being broken and Dr. Tot's insane babbling, both of which have not ceased since that morning. 

**Zidan**: How many machines does he have down there to break, damn it? [pulls off his Discman earphones, thanks to which he has an earache] Uh, Dagger-cakes, about how long until his fit goes away?

**Amarant**: [head bent over a washbasin as he works his scalp with Rogaine for Men] Yah, the godth ohly knoh hoh lohg we beeh waihig fo tha th happeh.

**Garnet**: [looks up from her tattered, dog-eared copy of last Summertide's issue of _Ôjo-sama Monthly_] Not sure. Could be a couple hours, could be a couple minutes. It usually doesn't last more than a day or two, though.

**Freya**: [awakens from her meditation] It had damn well _better_ not, because next week I've got a date with… [pulls out her favorite heart-framed photo of—] Fratley-sama…©©©

­**Steiner**: [stops polishing his Excalibur, which is now shiny enough to blind an enemy on the upswing] I don't hear him screaming anymore, Highness; it should be safe down there now.

**Vivi**: R-really? [puts away his Gameboy Advance, whose batteries can't power a flashlight for more than 12 nanoseconds now] About time, too. Just _sitting_ here is worse than bench pressing…

Sure enough, no sound emerges from the basement stairs. The gang carefully descends (or in Vivi's case, waddles down) one at a time.

To say the lab is a wreck deserves an Academy for Biggest Understatement. The fruits of months' worth of research, trial, and error lie scattered in bits and fragments all over the room. Dr. Tot lies motionless on the floor, his face tomato-red and his breathing labored. 

**Zidan**: Doc! Doc, you back with us now?

**Dr. Tot**: puff Hvid bjfdf734 8 fgsg8… wheeze =P~~~~

**Entire cast**: …

---

**Garnet**: It's happened a few times. He stops wrecking things but forgets to become sane.

**Eiko**: How the ____ do you _"forget to become sane"_?!?!

**Steiner**: [whangs her on the head] Watch your mouth, girl!

**Garnet**: Don't spit fireballs at _me_; he coined the term. He has something called a Potion of Clarity which should bring him back around…please, Gods, let it be here.

Her hopes are dashed when the gang searches the basement. It has been shattered along with all the other bottles in the vicinity, their contents lying in puddles on the floor. When Dr. Tot gets pissed, _he gets pissed._

**Zidan**: Great. Just great. _Where _do we find another one? 

**Garnet**: Dr. Tot had the recipe…but it's all the way back in his old lab in Treno.

**Entire cast**: GROAN

**Vivi**: I, I can't travel like this!__

**Amarant**: Ahtuahy, e coulh juh tahe e Ihvihthibuh, coulhn' e?

**Garnet**: Down for repairs. I _told_ Beatrix we shouldn't've let Baku take the wheel, but _noooooo_…

**Quina**: And the Fossil Roo?!?

**Garnet**: Closed. The gargants have gone as berserk as he is. Now they're trying to bite off Dr Tot's, uh, uh—[subtly indicates with her hands that…area down below]

**Freya**: [hastily] We get the point. sigh Guess our only option is to walk. If we go tonight and cover ourselves, at least we won't be seen quite so easily.

Everyone grudgingly agrees. 

**Garnet**: Now, let's see…one more thing before we go.

She snaps her fingers. There is a rumble and a speck of dust in the distance. The dust grows larger and the rumble grows louder. Finally the rumble is a deafening sonic boom and the dust cloud is several times Steiner's height – and then the dust disappears and all is silent, and there stands—

**Zorn**: At your service, my liege!

**Thorn**: What is thy bidding, my liege?

**Garnet**: Make sure the Doctor doesn't leave this basement until we come with his medicine.

**Zorn**: Not to leave the basement even if you come with your medicine.

**Garnet**: _Until_ we come with _his_ medicine.

**Thorn**: Until you come with our medicine, we're not to enter the basement.

**Garnet**: NO, you stay in this basement and make sure he doesn't leave.

**Zorn**: And you'll come with his medicine?

**Garnet**: Exactly.

**Thorn**: So we don't do anything apart from stop him entering the basement.

**Garnet**: _Leaving_ the basement.

**Zorn**: All right. …Oh! If, if, if—

**Garnet**: [sighs, her tail all bristly] Look, it is _not_ rocket science, people. Stay _here_, make sure he doesn't leave the basement, that's _it!!!_

**Zorn**: If, if – can he leave with us?

**Garnet**: [tail twitching as if seized] No, _no_, _NO_! _Keep him here, make sure he doesn't—_

**Zorn**: Well of _course_ we'll keep him here, but supposing he had to leave and we were with him?

**Garnet**: _Forget it! Just have him stay here—_

**Thorn**: --until you, or anyone else—

**Garnet**: Not anyone else, just us!

**Thorn**: --get back.

**Garnet**: --get back. Right.

**Zorn**: Right then, we stay here until you and your party gets back.

**Garnet**: Yes…and make sure he doesn't leave.

**Thorn**: …Dr. Tot, right?

**Garnet**: [tail lashes back and forth wildly] YES, Dr. Tot; who did you think?

**Thorn**: OH! Right, right, thought you meant Zorn; seemed rather nutty having to guard him when he's a guard.

**Garnet**: SO! Are we clear?

**Zorn**: Quite clear, not a problem.

**Garnet**: Wonderful.

The guys shake themselves awake and head up the basement stairs. Zorn and Thorn follow them.

**Garnet**: Where you guys going?!

**Everyone else**: groan

**Zorn and Thorn**: We're coming with you.

**Garnet**: [tail lashes more wildly] NONONOYOU'RENOT! YOU'RESTAYINGHEREANDMAKINGSUREHEDOESN'TLEAVE!

**Zorn**: Oh, right. Okay.

The clowns assume their positions flanking the stairway. The adventurers roll their eyes and finally leave the basement. When they're out of earshot…

**Zorn**: Could you _believe_ that _tail_? :-P~~~~~~~

**Thorn**: Whooa mama! _Just_ like a necktie for the arse!

---

{Outside Alexandria Gates, 7:30 PM}

The eight heroes, black cloaks and hoods draped over their shoulders (not that all of them _have_ shoulders), slip out the front doors unnoticed. They head southeast. 

{Outdoors, Eastern Mist Continent, 7:45 PM}

They hike over a short hill. They stroll through a forest. They hike over another short hill. They file through a mountain pass (though it takes Vivi some effort). They stroll through another forest. They file through another mountain pass (though again it takes Vivi some more effort). They hike over another short hill. They stroll through another forest. They hike over another short hill. They file through another mountain pass (though this time it takes Vivi even more effort). They stroll through another— 

~~// INTERMISSION \\~~

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

~~\\ END INTERMISSION! //~~

{Dr. Tot's Old Lab (2F), Treno, 12:45 AM}

Oops, looks like we went a bit far. Oh well.

The cloaked figures busily rummage through stack after chimney-sized stack of heavily written-on paper. Suddenly—

**One of them**: Heah…fouhd ih.

He (Amarant, for those who haven't been paying attention) triumphantly holds up a tattered sheet of paper, neatly labeled "Potion of Clarity" at the top. Everyone else gathers round and looks.

**Everyone else**: GROAN

**Amarant**: Whah? I'n thih whah we ooking or?

**Zidan**: [pulls off his hood] Yes it is, except for one problem.

**Amarant**: Whah's at, en?

Zidan takes the sheet of paper and shows it to Amarant. It's not the Potion of Clarity recipe he's found, but more like a Rorschach test that's _labeled_ Potion of Clarity. 

**Eiko**: …………shit. Looks like Dr. Tot went all out in keeping this secret. 

**Freya**: Wait a minute! Why's that ink look fresh?

Everyone leans forward for a better look. She's absolutely right. The ink's as wet and shiny as Garnet's arse after – well, you get the idea.

---

{Outside Dr. Tot's Lab, 1:00 AM}

The cloaked adventurers storm out of the abandoned building without a word. Then Garnet lets loose.

**Garnet**: …WHO DID THIS?!?

**Vivi**: Shh! Y-you'll blow our cover! W-we don't want anyone to recognize—

**Woman's Voice from the Heavens**: GARNET_…GARNET!_

**Vivi**: groan See?

A startled, blasphemous oath rises to Garnet's lips, but she swallows it. Everyone swivels their heads back and forth in puzzlement. Those who _have_ heads, I mean.

**WVftH**: …QUEEN OF ALEXANDRIA…

The night grows much darker, and the party realizes they are in the presence of the goddess who holds rule over Gaia. They smack their heads on the ground in reverence, except for Vivi, who instead ends up rocking back and forth on his tummy.

**WVftH**: [loses its echoing timbre] Oh, don't grovel!

The clouds part, revealing a familiar-looking green-haired woman, dressed in dark blue, white, and red, with a megaphone in hand. 

**Terra Yagami**: If there's one—[peers into megaphone, bangs it on a cloud a few times, then puts megaphone back to lips] IF THERE'S ONE THING I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT'S WHY PEOPLE NEVER GET TIRED OF GROVELING.

**Garnet**: Sorry.

**T.Y.**: AND DON'T APOLOGIZE. EVERYONE I TALK TO IS ALWays like "Sorry" this or "Forgive me" that and "I'm not worthy" and—[whacks megaphone a few more times] WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?!?

**Zidan**: Averting our eyes, megami-sama.

**Eiko**: {And he damn well better be – she is HOT!}

**T.Y.**: WELL, DON'T! IT'S LIKE THOSE MISErable Melodies of Life; they're _so_—[peers into megaphone again, then cleans it out with a cloth and shakes it up and down] THEY'RE SO DEPRESSING. NOW KNOCK IT OFF!

**Steiner**: Yes, megami-sama!

**T.Y.**: Right!

The clouds slam shut.

**T.Y.**: EIGHT HEROES OF GAIA…I UNDERSTAND YOUR PREDICAMent, and I now offer you—WHACK WHACK WHACK! I OFFER YOU A QUEST FOR WHICH YOU WILL BE REWARDED YOUR TRUE FORMS.

**Freya**: Good idea, megami-sama!

**T.Y.**: 'COURSE IT'S A GOod idea! SMASH 

Pieces of megaphone plummet from the sky.

**T.Y.**: …Damn. Good thing I got a spare. NOW THEN! BEHOLD, LADIES AND GENTLEFREAKS—

The image of a box with question marks all over it appears in the clouds.

**T.Y.**: --THIS IS PANDORA'S BOX. LOOK WELL, PEOPLE, FOR IT IS YOUR SACRED TASK TO SEEK WHAT IS STORED IN THIS BOX. THAT IS YOUR PURPOSE, HEROES: THE QUEST FOR PANDORA'S – WHAT LIES in Pandora's box.

Her presence fades, and the heroes are once again in the streets of Treno. 

**Steiner**: A blessing! A blessing from the Lady!

**Freya**: Gods be praised!

They stroll off, their anger warped into happiness, not noticing the lone cloaked figure standing by the lamppost. He smirks and walks the other way, adjusting his thong panties as he goes.

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
